Since there has been much discussion about hippies on this great, and powerful weblog, it seems necessary to offer some scientific clarification to keep our readers on the same page. They need to know how to spot and identify the different species of hippie to determine the proper approach, handling, and beating method for each. This list is not intended to be all inclusive, but merely a handy reference guide to aid you in your day to day contact with the more prominent hippies varieties.

• Green Hippie – A hippie that has devoted itself to a mindless promotion of “nature,” even to the detriment of mankind. This variety of hippie can be found in various natural settings: Tree tops, city parks, the open ocean among others. It can be identified by its megalomaniacal sense of self-importance manifested by its belief that “the Earth” gives a rat’s ass about the existence of green hippies or their Tetrahydrocannabinol-retarded belief system.

  Other common identifiers of green hippies are their holding of anti-fur protest signs while wearing leather sandals, and their stench. While espousing their love for all things natural, green hippies can be quite violent. They have been known to drive railroad spikes into tress marked for harvesting, throwing noxious chemicals on celebrities wearing fur, and wreaking general havoc on construction sites, animal testing facilities, and whaling vessels.

  Green hippies should be approached with extreme caution. While beating green hippies with long handled rakes, expandable batons, or clubs made from the bones of baby seals can be a singularly enjoyable experience, I find the irony of them dying by natural causes, i.e being eaten by a bear, much more fulfilling.

• Anti-war Hippie – A hippie that has devoted itself to a skewed ideal of peace. The anti-war hippie’s notion of peace is the lack of war under any and all circumstances even at the cost of the oppression of an entire nationality or ethnic group of people. The anti-war hippie can be found at anti-war protests, military recruiting offices, school campuses, or any other area where there may be elements sympathetic to military causes that they feel need to be rooted out and destroyed.

  The anti-war hippie can be identified by their holding of signs that bear stupid slogans like “make love not war” or “no blood for oil”, their stupid chants of those same idiotic slogans, their shouts of “don’t taze me bro” followed by the loud sound of electricity arcing through their bodies, and their stench. While anti-war hippies like to talk about “peace” and pacifism, in groups they can be quite destructive.

  Anti-war hippies have been known to set fires to cars and buildings, assault police officers and civilians that aren’t listening to their Tetrahydrocannabinol-retarded ramblings, and to trample each other trying to get away from taser-wielding police officers. There are no special equipment needs to be considered when beating an anti-war hippie, you should be careful not to expose yourself to their blood, or their incoherent anti-war babbling.

• Communist Hippie – The communist hippie is a hippie that has devoted itself to communism. While they rarely call themselves communists, their ideals are squarely in line with those of Marx, Lenin, or Mao. One of the most famous communist hippies was John Lennon. He was able to take the Communist Manifesto and set it to music with the popular song “Imagine“.

  In case there is any doubt that this is the case, see the Rolling Stone article dedicated to this pile of steaming porcine feces masquerading as music. Communist hippies can be hard to find as many of them have shed their flowers, bare feet, and bell bottoms for Rolexes, Kenneth Coles, and Armani suits. They have taken up positions in state houses, court houses, and Congress.

  These hippies are the most insidious. They try to lure you in with their ideals of togetherness, and love for all mankind when their true goal is the destruction of the American ideals of individualism and the pursuit of happiness. These hippies should be beaten immediately on sight with any implement accessible at the time.

I hope this handy guide will aid you in any future contacts you may have with hippies. While there are other varieties of hippies out there, these are the most common, and most dangerous. Since the death of Steve Irwin, there have been few brave enough to study these species in their native habitats. Besides, hitting them with sticks is much more enjoyable.

If you found this guide handy, JumpOut has other guides including How Not to Get Killed by the Police at his own Law Enforcement Humor blog You Should Be Tasered.

The following article is a reprint from the Huffington Post. We didn’t bother asking permission to use this copyrighted material, as they never do.

With the nation’s economy in decline, President Elect Barack Hussein Obama has taken matters out of his hands and placed them into the military’s. In what is being seen as a bold move, Obama has met with General Staff from the four branches of service as well as leading manufactures of military hardware.

While details of this historic meeting may never be revealed, the few bits and pieces that have leaked out has sent shock waves of astonishment across party lines. Unique, innovative, and pure genus, are some of the words being used to describe the brainchild of this next Lincoln.

In a press release sent out today from the President Elect’s camp, Obama is quoted as saying, “We simply don’t have the manpower to throw that amount of money at every problem. Do you have any idea how big a pile two trillion dollars is?”

He added, “As the military will soon be playing a much reduced role in national defense and keeping the world safe for Democracy, I had to find something for them to do. I simply can’t fire them all and keep my promise of creating five million new jobs.”

What Obama is proposing is that the U.S. military develop and deploy what is being called the Financial Bomb or “F” Bomb. A senior military adviser to the incoming President, who wishes to remain unnamed, told this reporter that, “We have all of these weapons of mass destruction laying around. It just seemed a natural fit to convert them for peaceful uses.”

When asked how this would happen he said, “Well, the military will take out the explosive, or bad stuff and replace it with cash or good stuff. President Obama is not only willing but very anxious to drop the F Bomb whenever and wherever he sees the need.”

A lobbyist for a major munitions contractor filled in a few of the blanks. She said that there has been testing going on for some time now in anticipation of an administration that would want this capability. The first tests were performed on humans using homeless as the targets. A twelve-gauge shotgun was loaded with dimes and fired into a soup kitchen line. This did not achieve the desired effect and was soon dropped.

Later testing was done with large cannons filled with sacks of cash. Again failing to meet the standards. It was soon after this time that F Bomb was built.

While technically developed during the Bush years, Obama will receive the credit if it works and be able to blame the last administration if it fails.

It is speculated that while no specific target or goal is expected to ever be known, we could see the F Bomb dropped as early as the end of January.

[Note: Hope and change from above are nice dreams but reality is another thing all together. The two images below represent a far more realistic representation of what our future holds. Instead of economic impact filtering down from above, more likely it will impact from the bottom up -Les]

See a picture you like, use it. We here at this Conservative Humor and Satire blog don’t mind if you spread the wealth of humor around.  Just give us a little credit for our hard work, unlike Huffpo.

Les James can be found here every Monday and occasionally at his political satire blog Sideshow Mirrors.

I have a problem with people throwing shoes at me. Everywhere I go, people throw shoes at me. Many shoe throwing parodies have been created at my expense, and there is even a shoe throwing website in my “honor.” Also, my employer is oftem polled as to how satisfied they are with my job performance, and I am told that my approval rating is less than the margin of error. I don’t know why. It makes me feel like people don’t like me. What would Obama do?

~ George1600

First, I want you to know that all questions directed to What Would Obama Do are completely anonymous. I would never break the trust and confidence of a person seeking hope and change. Most importantly, get out of the White House as soon as possible. Don’t wait until your term is officially over. Pack up your things and get out. Yesterday isn’t soon enough.

As for avoiding the shoes, I usually use my aura of white light and higher consciousness to protect me. It’s kind of like using the force. Also, I often get my head stuck in a bucket. This would seem embarrassing to most people, but I have found that it offers great protection from shoes being thrown at the head.

I understand that Bill Clinton has a great deal of experience at dodging flying objects. I know it’s not what Obama would do, but I have consulted with Bill on a variety of topics, including all of my Cabinet choices. He has said that he finds sleeping in separate quarters helps, but I’m not sure if that is applicable in your particular case. Outside of that, he says 30 minutes of Tae Chi every morning helps keep him limber and agile. I hope that helps.

If your out of hope, and trying to change, but don’t know how, ask your questions of What Would Obama Do? Of course, you might ask, what experience to I have giving advice to people in an advice column. I did give a rousing speech once, and it got me elected president. So, none really. Ask your questions in the comments section.

Disclaimer: Do not take your advice from a political humor site. If you do, then you are an idiot and we are not liable for your results.